The DEAR MAN Script Builder

An Interactive DBT Tool for Effective Communication

Plan Your Conversation with Confidence

This tool will guide you through the seven steps of the DEAR MAN skill to help you prepare for a difficult conversation. Let’s build a script so you can communicate clearly and effectively.

Start Building

Build Your Script

Fill out each section below. Be as clear and concise as possible.

Describe the facts of the situation.

Express your feelings using “I feel…” statements.

Assert what you want clearly and specifically.

Reinforce the positive outcomes of getting what you want.

Build My Script

Your DEAR MAN Script & Reminders

Here is your complete script. Practice it out loud. Below are the “MAN” skills for *how* to deliver it effectively.

(M)indful

Stay focused on your goal. Avoid getting sidetracked by old arguments.

(A)ppear Confident

Use a confident tone of voice and posture, even if you feel nervous.

(N)egotiate

Be willing to listen to the other person’s perspective and find a middle ground if needed.

Create a New Script

What is a DEAR MAN Script?

DEAR MAN is a powerful communication skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that provides a clear, step-by-step formula for asking for what you want or saying no to a request effectively. It’s a structured approach to help you communicate your needs clearly and confidently, while also maintaining your self-respect and the health of your relationship.

This interactive DEAR MAN Script Builder will walk you through each component of the skill, helping you prepare for a difficult conversation by creating a clear, concise, and effective script.

What Does DEAR MAN Stand For?

DEAR MAN is a two-part acronym. The “DEAR” part tells you what to say, while the “MAN” part tells you how to say it.

• Describe: Stick to the objective facts of the situation. No judgments or interpretations.
• Express: Clearly state your feelings using “I feel…” statements.
• Assert: Ask for what you want or say no clearly and specifically. Don’t beat around the bush.
• Reinforce: Explain the positive outcomes that will happen if you get what you want.
• (M)indful: Stay focused on your goal. Don’t get distracted by old arguments or defensiveness.
• (A)ppear Confident: Use a confident tone, make eye contact, and use assertive body language.
• (N)egotiate: Be willing to listen and find a workable compromise if necessary.

When Should I Use This DBT Skill?

The DEAR MAN script is your go-to tool for any high-stakes conversation where you need to advocate for yourself. It is especially helpful when you need to:

• Ask for something you want or need from a partner, boss, or family member.
• Say no to a request that you are not comfortable with.
• Set a boundary with someone who is crossing it.
• Resolve a conflict in a relationship.
• Address a problem at work or in your personal life.

The Science Behind It: Why Structured Communication Works

The DEAR MAN skill is effective because it is based on decades of research into assertive communication and social effectiveness.

1. Reduces Emotional Reasoning: When we’re emotional, we tend to communicate in a way that is confusing, blaming, or passive. DEAR MAN provides a logical structure that forces you to use your “wise mind,” engaging your prefrontal cortex and reducing the influence of overwhelming emotion on your words.
2. Increases Clarity and Reduces Misunderstanding: The script format ensures your message is clear, specific, and focused. By describing the facts and using “I feel” statements, you reduce the likelihood that the other person will become defensive, as you are speaking only about your own experience.
3. Builds Self-Efficacy and Self-Respect: Preparing for a conversation with a DEAR MAN script increases your confidence. Even if you don’t get the exact outcome you want, by communicating your needs clearly and respectfully, you act in a way that aligns with your values. This builds self-respect, regardless of the outcome.

Important Safety Disclaimer & When to Seek Help

This tool is for educational and skill-building purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or therapy.

The DEAR MAN skill is a powerful tool for improving communication. Remember to practice your script out loud before the conversation. It’s also crucial to be mindful of your safety. If you are in a relationship where asserting your needs could lead to physical or emotional harm, please prioritize your safety and seek professional help from a therapist or a domestic violence resource.

If you consistently struggle with interpersonal conflict, setting boundaries, or asking for your needs to be met, working with a qualified therapist can be incredibly helpful. If you are in crisis, please call your local emergency number.

Further Reading & References

DEAR MAN is a core skill in the Interpersonal Effectiveness module of DBT.

1. “DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills” – An overview of the module from a leading DBT resource.
2. “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” – A best-selling book on effective communication strategies.
3. “Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others” – An article from the Mayo Clinic on the principles of assertive communication.