In our most important relationships, disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable. In these moments, our emotions can take over, and our instinct might be to prove our point, win the argument, or defend our position. But what if our primary goal isn’t to be right, but to stay connected? This is where the GIVE skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) becomes an invaluable tool.
When the health of the relationship is more important than the outcome of a single conversation, GIVE provides a simple, memorable script for how to act. It’s a conscious choice to put the relationship first, creating a space of safety and understanding that allows connection to flourish even during conflict.
As the author Roy T. Bennett wrote:
“Be the reason someone feels seen, heard, and supported.”
The GIVE skill is the practical instruction manual for how to do exactly that.
What is the GIVE Skill and When Do You Use It?
The GIVE skill is a core part of DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness module. The acronym stands for a set of behaviors to use when your main objective is Relationship Effectiveness. This means your goal is to act in a way that maintains and improves the relationship, showing the other person that you respect and care for them.
You use GIVE when:
- You want to offer support to a friend or partner who is upset.
- You need to de-escalate a tense conversation.
- You want to show a family member that you truly care about their perspective.
It’s the opposite of the DEAR MAN skill, which you use when your primary goal is to get something you want or to say no. GIVE is all about nurturing the connection.
The 3 Steps of GIVE: A Guide to Relationship Effectiveness
The acronym G-I-V-E can be broken down into three simple, actionable steps that you can practice in your next conversation.
Step 1: Be Gentle and Interested (G & I)
- (G)entle: This is about your approach. Avoid attacks, threats, judgment, and sarcasm. Keep your voice soft. If you need to express a difficult point, do it without blame. Instead of “You never listen,” try “I’m feeling unheard right now.”
- (I)nterested: This is about your attention. Actively listen to the other person. Put your phone away, make eye contact, and lean in. Ask curious, open-ended questions. Show them through your actions that what they are saying matters to you.
Step 2: Validate Their Feelings (V)
This is perhaps the most powerful step of all. Validation does not mean you have to agree with the other person. It simply means finding the kernel of truth in their perspective and communicating that you understand why they would feel that way. It’s the ultimate way to make someone feel seen and heard.
Simple validating phrases can be relationship game-changers:
- “I can totally see why you would be frustrated with that.”
- “That makes sense from your point of view.”
- “Wow, that sounds incredibly difficult. I’m so sorry you went through that.”
Step 3: Use an Easy Manner (E)
This is about the overall mood of the interaction. Use an Easy Manner. This means being lighthearted, using a little humor where appropriate, and smiling. It’s about having a relaxed, approachable posture that de-escalates tension and signals to the other person that you are on their side. A calm demeanor and a gentle smile can make a difficult conversation feel much safer.
Practice in a Safe Space: Our GIVE Dialogue Simulator
Knowing these skills is one thing; using them in a real, emotional conversation is another. That’s why we created the GIVE Dialogue Simulator. It’s an interactive tool that lets you practice these communication skills in simulated conversations. Think of it as a flight simulator for difficult talks, allowing you to build your confidence before you take off.
➡️ Open the GIVE Dialogue Simulator
Building Bridges, Not Walls
Every conversation is a choice. We can choose to build a wall to protect our own position, or we can choose to build a bridge to connect with the other person. The GIVE skill is a conscious, compassionate choice to build a bridge. Each time you use it, you are making a valuable deposit in your relationship’s emotional bank account, creating a foundation of trust and mutual respect that will last a lifetime.