Dr. John Gottman, the world’s leading relationship researcher, studied thousands of couples in his “Love Lab.” He found something surprising.
Happy couples fight just as much as unhappy couples. They argue about money, chores, and in-laws.
The difference isn’t the fight. It’s the Repair.
A “Repair Attempt” is any statement or action—silly or serious—that prevents negativity from spiraling out of control. It’s the moment someone says, “I’m sorry, I’m just grumpy because I’m hungry,” or “Wait, can we start this sentence over?”
Unhappy couples ignore these attempts. Happy couples catch them. Repair Rally is a simulation to practice throwing (and catching) these life-saving signals.
The Science: The Brake Pedal
Think of conflict like a car going downhill. Without brakes, it will crash. Repair attempts are the brakes.
Gottman’s research shows that the success or failure of a repair attempt predicts the future of the relationship with over 90% accuracy. The key is Cognitive De-escalation. You have to override your “Fight or Flight” response (which wants to attack) and engage your “Tend and Befriend” system.
The Game: Repair Rally
- The Scenario: You are in a text-based argument with a virtual partner. The tension meter is rising.
- The Move: You are dealt a hand of “Repair Cards.” You must play the right one for the situation.
- The “I Feel” Card: “I feel defensive right now.” (Good for de-escalation).
- The “Sorry” Card: “I overreacted.” (Good for taking responsibility).
- The “Humor” Card: “I promise not to turn into the Hulk.” (Risky, but effective if timing is right).
- The “Attack” Card: “You always do this.” (Game Over – Crash).
👉 Play the Game: Repair Rally
Actionable Advice
- Phrase Collection: Memorize three repair phrases that work for you. Keep them in your back pocket. My favorite? “I need a do-over.”
- The “Stop” Sign: Agree with your partner on a hand signal (like a “Time Out” T-shape). If either of you uses it, the fight stops for 20 minutes. No exceptions. This allows cortisol levels to drop so you can repair effectively.
Safety & Disclaimer
- This tool is for relationship education.
- Abuse: Repair attempts do not work in abusive relationships where one partner uses fear or control. If you are afraid of your partner, please seek professional support, not a game.
References
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
- Driver, J. L., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict. Family Process.
- Tabares, A., & Gottman, J. M. (2003). A couple’s view of the repair of their conflict interaction.