From our very first moments, we are wired for connection. Our earliest relationships with caregivers form a powerful, often unconscious, blueprint for how we navigate intimacy as adults. This blueprint shapes our expectations, our fears, and our behaviors in our most important relationships. These are our attachment patterns.
Do you find yourself constantly worrying about your partner’s love and commitment? Or do you feel a strong urge to pull away when someone gets too close? Do you feel generally at ease with intimacy? These tendencies are not random. They are the echoes of your attachment pattern at play.
Understanding your personal style of attachment isn’t about placing blame or putting yourself in a box. It’s an act of profound self-awareness that can unlock healthier, more fulfilling connections. As the renowned researcher Dr. Brené Brown says:
“Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”
Learning your pattern is the first step to making that connection more secure.
The Blueprint of Connection: What is Attachment Theory?
Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory suggests that we all have a fundamental need to form strong emotional bonds with others. As adults, our attachment style is best understood across two key dimensions:
- Attachment Anxiety: This relates to your fear of rejection and abandonment. If you are high in attachment anxiety, you might worry a lot about your relationships, crave reassurance, and feel preoccupied with your partner’s availability.
- Attachment Avoidance: This relates to your comfort with closeness and emotional intimacy. If you are high in attachment avoidance, you might feel a strong need for independence, feel uncomfortable relying on others, and tend to keep partners at an emotional distance.
The Four Adult Attachment Patterns
How high or low you are on these two dimensions combines to form four main attachment patterns. See if you recognize your tendencies in any of these descriptions.
Secure Attachment (Low Anxiety, Low Avoidance)
You are comfortable with intimacy and are not overly worried about your relationships. You trust your partner and feel worthy of their love. You can be independent but are also happy to depend on others and have them depend on you.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment (High Anxiety, Low Avoidance)
You crave a deep sense of closeness but often feel insecure about your partner’s love. You might worry that they will leave you, which can lead to a need for frequent reassurance and a tendency to become preoccupied with the relationship.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment (Low Anxiety, High Avoidance)
You are highly self-reliant and see yourself as very independent. You are uncomfortable with too much closeness and may feel suffocated when a partner needs emotional intimacy. You tend to suppress your feelings and value your freedom above all.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (High Anxiety, High Avoidance)
You simultaneously desire and fear intimacy. You want to be close to others, but you have a deep-seated fear of getting hurt. This can lead to a confusing push-pull dynamic in your relationships, where you pull people in and then push them away.
Discover Your Pattern: The ECR-R Explained
Reading these descriptions can provide some clues, but a structured assessment can offer a much clearer picture. The ECR-R (Experiences in Close Relationships–Revised) is a confidential and widely respected questionnaire used by psychologists to measure where a person falls on the dimensions of attachment anxiety and avoidance.
This isn’t a test with a “right” answer. It is a tool for self-discovery, helping you understand the blueprint you’ve been using to build your relationships.
➡️ Take the ECR-R Attachment Patterns Test
Your Pattern is a Starting Point, Not a Life Sentence
The most hopeful message of attachment theory is this: your pattern is not permanent. Attachment styles are learned, which means a more secure style can also be learned. This is called “earned security.”
The first step is awareness. Once you know your pattern, you can start to act with more intention in your relationships. A great place to start, no matter your style, is by practicing skills for healthier dialogue. Our GIVE Dialogue Simulator can help you practice skills for kinder and more effective communication.
Understanding your attachment pattern is the first step to changing it. It allows you to approach your relationships, and yourself, with more awareness, compassion, and a clear path toward the secure connections you deserve.