Think about the last time you had to have a difficult conversation. Maybe you needed to ask your boss for a raise, set a boundary with a loved one, or simply say “no” to a request you didn’t have the energy for. How did it go?
So often, we fall into one of two traps. We are either too passive, saying nothing and letting resentment build, or we are too aggressive, letting our emotions take over and potentially damaging the relationship. But there is a golden middle path. It’s a path of confident, clear, and respectful communication. The DEAR MAN script, a core skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), is a roadmap for that path.
It’s a formula for finding your voice and speaking your truth in a way that can be heard. As the researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown reminds us:
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
The DEAR MAN skill is a masterclass in being clear and kind, both to others and to yourself.
What is the DEAR MAN Skill?
DEAR MAN is an acronym that stands for seven key steps in effective communication. It’s part of the Interpersonal Effectiveness module of DBT, and it’s designed for situations where your primary goal is to get what you want or to say no effectively.
Think of it as a blueprint. You use it before a high-stakes conversation to get clear on your objective and plan out exactly what you want to say. This preparation is what allows you to enter the conversation with confidence instead of anxiety.
Breaking Down the DEAR MAN Script: A Step-by-Step Guide
Let’s walk through the seven steps of this powerful communication tool.
D – Describe
Start by describing the current situation, sticking only to the objective facts. Do not include judgments, assumptions, or emotional language. Describe what a video camera would have recorded.
- Example: “The last three times we have made plans to meet at 7 PM, you have arrived around 7:30 PM.”
E – Express
Express your feelings about the situation clearly and calmly. Use “I” statements. This is about owning your feelings, not blaming the other person.
- Example: “When that happens, I feel frustrated and a little hurt, because my time is important to me.”
A – Assert
This is where you state your request or your “no” simply and directly. Do not apologize, justify, or hedge.
- Example (Asking for something): “I would like you to please text me if you are going to be more than 5 minutes late.”
- Example (Saying no): “I am not able to house-sit for you this weekend.”
R – Reinforce
Reinforce the request by explaining the positive outcomes of getting what you want. Show the other person what’s in it for them or for the relationship.
- Example: “If you could do that for me, I would really appreciate it, and I would feel much more relaxed and happy when we meet up.”
The first four steps are the “what you say” part. The next three are the “how you say it” part.
(Stay) M – Mindful
Stay mindful of your goal. It can be easy to get distracted or pulled into old arguments. Gently ignore these distractions and bring the conversation back to your original request. Think of yourself as a “broken record,” calmly repeating your assertion if needed.
A – Appear Confident
Your body language speaks volumes. Maintain eye contact, keep a calm and even tone of voice, and sit or stand in a way that feels grounded and confident.
N – Negotiate
Be willing to be flexible and negotiate. The goal is to be effective, not to “win.” If the other person is not able to meet your request fully, are you willing to find a compromise?
- Example: “I understand you can’t guarantee you’ll always be on time. How about we agree that you’ll aim for 7 PM, but text me by 6:45 if you know you’ll be late?”
Your Personal Communications Coach: The DEAR MAN Script Builder
Remembering all seven steps in the heat of the moment can be a challenge. That’s why we built the DEAR MAN Script Builder. It’s an interactive tool that walks you through each step, providing prompts and text boxes to help you build your own clear, effective script before you ever enter the conversation.
➡️ Open the DEAR MAN Script Builder Tool
Clear, Confident, and Kind
This skill will likely feel awkward the first few times you try it. That’s normal. You are learning a new way of communicating. With practice, you will find that you have the right to ask for what you need, the strength to say no when you have to, and the skill to do both with a confidence that respects yourself and others.