When a wave of sadness hits, our first instinct is to pull the covers over our head. When anxiety strikes, we feel a powerful urge to avoid whatever is making us scared. When anger flares, we want to lash out. Our emotions give us strong urges to act, and most of the time, we follow their lead without a second thought.
This is perfectly natural. But sometimes, acting on these urges keeps us stuck. Withdrawing when we’re sad leads to more isolation and sadness. Avoiding what we fear makes our world smaller and our fear bigger.
What if you could break the cycle? What if, instead of being led by your emotions, you could learn to lead them? This is the core idea behind Opposite Action, a surprisingly powerful and admittedly unintuitive skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It’s a radical practice that teaches you this: to change a painful emotion, you must first act opposite to what it’s telling you to do.
As the statesman Benjamin Disraeli once said:
“Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.”
When Should You Use Opposite Action?
This is a crucial question. This skill is not about invalidating your feelings or forcing yourself to be happy all the time. It is a targeted tool for changing emotions that are unjustified or unhelpful.
So, how do you know the difference? You check the facts.
- A Justified Emotion fits the facts of a situation. If a bear walks into your room, your fear is justified. The urge to run away is helpful. You do not use Opposite Action here.
- An Unhelpful Emotion does not fit the facts, or the intensity is out of proportion. You might feel intense social anxiety about a casual party where you know you’ll be safe and welcome. The urge to cancel your plans and isolate yourself is unhelpful to your long-term goal of feeling connected. This is a perfect time to use Opposite Action. A great first step in this process is always to Check the Facts of the situation.
How to Practice Opposite Action: A Step-by-Step Guide
This skill feels strange at first. It takes practice and a willingness to tolerate some initial discomfort.
Step 1: Identify the Emotion and Its Urge
Pause and name what you are feeling. Is it sadness? Fear? Shame? Anger? Then, get clear on the action that emotion is pushing you to do. Sadness might urge you to lie in bed and listen to sad music. Fear might urge you to procrastinate on an important task.
Step 2: Check if the Emotion is Helpful
Ask yourself: Does my emotional reaction fit the facts of this situation? If I act on this urge, will it make my life better or worse in the long run? If the answer is that the emotion is not helpful, it’s time for Opposite Action.
Step 3: Do the Opposite (All the Way)
This is the hard part. You have to commit to acting opposite to the urge. And you have to do it completely, not halfway. It’s not just about the action, but also about your posture, your tone of voice, and even your thoughts.
Here are some examples:
- If you feel SAD and want to WITHDRAW:
- Opposite Action: Get up and get active. Leave the house, even for a few minutes. Call a friend. Put on upbeat, energetic music. Do not stay in bed and do not isolate.
- If you feel ANXIOUS and want to AVOID:
- Opposite Action: Approach the thing you fear. Do the thing you are procrastinating on, even for just five minutes. Stay in the situation instead of escaping. Seek out more information instead of shutting down.
- If you feel ANGRY and want to ATTACK:
- Opposite Action: Gently avoid the person for a little while. Take a timeout. Try to see the situation from their perspective and find a hint of compassion. Speak in a quiet, non-accusatory voice.
Your Blueprint for Action
Applying this skill in the heat of the moment is challenging. It helps to have a plan. Our Opposite Action Planner is a structured tool that walks you through these exact steps, helping you move from feeling to effective action.
➡️ Open the Opposite Action Planner
Acting Your Way into a New Feeling
Opposite Action is a testament to your own power. It teaches you that while feelings are real, they are not always right, and they do not have to be in the driver’s seat. You do not have to wait for your emotions to change to start living the life you want. By choosing a different action, you can, quite literally, act your way into a new way of feeling.