In the bedroom, many of us become “Spectators.”
Instead of feeling the moment, we watch ourselves. “Am I taking too long?” “Do I look okay?” “Is my partner enjoying this?”
This is called Performance Anxiety. It turns intimacy into a job interview. And just like a stressful job interview, the body often shuts down—leading to issues like erectile dysfunction or inability to reach orgasm.
The cure for this isn’t trying harder. It’s trying less.
Sensate Coach is a digital guide based on the gold-standard treatment for sexual difficulties: Sensate Focus.
The Science: Removing the Goal
Developed by the pioneers of sex therapy, Masters and Johnson, Sensate Focus works by completely banning the “goal” of sex.
It creates a paradox: You are allowed to touch, but you are not allowed to have intercourse or aim for orgasm.
By taking “success” off the table, you remove the fear of failure. When the pressure lifts, the body’s natural relaxation response takes over. The focus shifts from “doing” to “being.” From “performing” to “feeling.”
The Tool: Sensate Coach
This tool acts as a silent guide for couples (or individuals). It walks you through the stages of touch.
- Stage 1: Non-Genital Touch: The tool sets a timer. You take turns touching each other’s back, arms, or face. The rule: No sexual zones. Just explore texture and temperature.
- Stage 2: Sensual Touch: Touches can move to other areas, but intercourse is still strictly forbidden. The goal is simply to notice pleasure.
- Stage 3: Integration: Slowly reintroducing sexual elements, but maintaining the mindfulness of the earlier stages.
- The Copyright: Sensate Coach © PsychKit.org provides the structure and the timer, so you don’t have to look at the clock.
👉 Start the Session: Sensate Coach
Actionable Advice
- Schedule It: Spontaneity is a myth. Long-term couples need to schedule intimacy. Put “Sensate Session” on the calendar for Tuesday at 8 PM. Treat it as sacredly as a doctor’s appointment.
- Communicating Feedback: During the session, use the “Hand on Hand” technique. If you want your partner to change pressure or speed, gently place your hand over theirs and guide them. It is much sexier and clearer than giving verbal instructions.
Safety & Disclaimer
- This tool is for relationship enhancement.
- Consent is King: These exercises require enthusiastic consent from both parties. If at any point it feels uncomfortable, stop.
- Not for Dysfunction: While helpful, this is not a medical cure for physical causes of sexual dysfunction. Always consult a urologist or gynecologist to rule out biological issues.
References
- Masters, W. H., & Johnson, V. E. (1970). Human Sexual Inadequacy. Little, Brown.
- Weiner, L., & Avery-Clark, C. (2017). Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy: The Illustrated Manual. Routledge.
- Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2004). Coping with premature ejaculation: How to overcome PE, please your partner & have great sex. New Harbinger Publications.